School for Newly Adopted Older Children

With new Special Needs adoption lists just coming out, I’d like to continue the discussion of concerns about adoption of school aged children.

We adopted our second daughter, just as she turned 4 years old, bringing her home in December. We gave her the nine months before the next school year to get used to us, get used to the language and take some parent/child classes together. We started her in 4 year old preschool that fall. When we had her evaluated for Kindergarten, the public school system said she was ready to go, their only hesitation being her spoken language and some gaps in language concepts. Since she was making progress in private speech therapy, they felt she could overcome this. Interestingly, the public school would not offer speech therapy, but would consider her for ESL assistance, due to being in the country less than two years.

We ended up placing her in Montessori school in a mixed age 3-5 preprimary half day class as a 4 year old, even though she had turned 5. This allowed her to work on 5 year old activities where she could and still have opportunities to fill the gaps of the earlier ages.

A friend of mine recently brought home her son, just as he turned 6. She enrolled him in kindergarten starting shortly after they were home. He is receiving ESL services. Looking back, I think my daughter would have benefited from starting school right away, rather than waiting.

If you have adopted an older child, what age and what schooling decisions did you make? Which ones worked and which ones did not? What advice would you give to parents just now bringing home a school aged child?

Guest Blogger

Nancy Williams

HR Associate Director

Love Without Boundaries

Heroes

A friend forwarded me a Youtube video yesterday that I loved so much. You can watch it by clicking here. This beautiful video profiles Patrick Hughes, a young man who was born with special needs who played in the University of Louisville marching band. As I watched his inspirational story, I was moved not only by his positive attitude, but also by the dedication of his loving father. His dad works the night shift at UPS so that he can then help his son with his activities during the day. I couldn't help but wish that every child born had at least one parent so completely devoted to them. What would this earth look like if it was filled with this kind of love?

Have you known a child who has overcome extreme odds with a similar positive attitude? Or do you know a parent who has devoted themselves completely to making sure their child will find happiness in life? Please share their stories with us! We can never get enough positive and uplifting news like this one, especially working with orphaned children who face such enormous obstacles each day.

Here's to all the parents out there who realize that inside each child is the potential to impact the world. So many moms and dads are true "quiet heroes", sacrificing of themselves so that their children can have the best life possible.

Amy

What is a Special Need?

Promoting special needs adoption has been our focus since Love Without Boundaries began. The very first baby helped by LWB and adopted was baby Kang, a beautiful baby boy with a heart defect. Almost all of the orphans we help in China have some sort of need, some really minor others more significant. Every one of these children are just that…..beautiful children….but so often children are defined by their needs.

Today in the Huffington Post, there was an article called "Stereotyping Kids with Special Needs is Looksism" by Ellen Seidman . This post discussed how Katherine Heigl and Josh Kelley recently adopted a baby from Korea with a special need. The problem is that no one has been able to “see” the specially need and has commented on how normal she is. What is normal? What exactly are special needs?

Education is the key…..either for anyone may be considering the adoption of a child with a special needs. There are so many different kinds of special needs, some that are visible and others that aren’t. There are children waiting for families with just about any special need in every country, including the US. Because we know how important it is to learn about different needs, to understand exactly what the special need involves in terms of treatment, surgery, or therapy, and for families to decide what needs they are able to handle, we have developed a website for potential parents. This website contains basic facts and treatments for each particular special need – www.adoptspecialneeds.org.

We hope more families will join the Heigl/Kelley family in adopting a child with a special need as every child born deserves a family to love them. What do you think of when you think of "special needs"?

Karen Maunu

Abandonment

I think it is a fair statement to say that most of us who have adopted internationally think that our child's birthparents made the decision to abandon their child. I have read many essays and poems where adoptive parents imagine the birthmother hiding in the bushes or watching until the tiny bundle is found. Perhaps that is how you imagine it to be as well. I know I certainly did, until I helped run a cleft mission where many of our patients were rural children with families. On that trip, parents told me one story after another that quite simply turned everything I thought I knew about abandonment on its head.

I want to share one of those stories today, as I have been thinking so much about my son's birthparents lately.

On this particular cleft mission, we had far more babies needing surgery than space available, so very sadly we were having to turn families away. We had set a weight requirement for the kids' safety, and we soon learned that parents were sewing rocks into their babies' clothing in the hopes that their kids would meet our 10 pound requirement. We also had begun turning away babies who were obviously younger than 5-6 months because we wanted to make sure the kids would do well under anesthesia.

I was sitting in the intake room one morning when an anxious young woman came running in holding a tiny bundle. I could immediately tell that the baby was a newborn, and I asked our Chinese director to break the bad news to the woman that the baby was far too young for surgery. As she was given the news, the young lady burst into tears and began pleading and begging to have her child be seen. My friend came over to me and told me that I needed to go and speak with the woman in private, and so I did. She pulled back the blanket to reveal a tiny baby girl with severe cleft lip. The mother told me that her daughter was 28 days old, and that their period of confinement was over in just 2 more days. As she was crying and talking, the mom kept kissing her baby's forehead, and she kept telling me again and again, "I love her....I love her so much."

But then she went on to tell me that her extended family would not accept her daughter since she had been born with a cleft lip. They felt this tiny baby would bring shame to them all. With tears streaming down her face, she told me that her mother-in-law was coming to take the baby away from her in two days' time. The mom was begging me to heal her daughter, to make her daughter beautiful, so that she could keep the baby that she had carried inside of her for 9 months….the daughter she loved completely. When I explained that the baby could not safely be put under anesthesia at four weeks of age, she fell on her knees and was sobbing at my feet, pleading and crying and begging me to help her. Right now...even typing this story....it brings a pain to my chest that I cannot describe.

Over and over on that trip, I heard stories from birthparents who adored their children with cleft, but who were told the children could not stay in the extended family. I met a woman whose daughter with cleft had been taken from her by her in-laws while she slept. She never saw her daughter again. She had come to our mission after reading about it in the paper, to thank us for giving parents a chance to keep their children.....a chance she herself did not have.

That trip changed everything for me about how I view birthparents in China. Many people give pat explanations about infant abandonment that cover the issue in blanket terms: “Babies are abandoned because rural families want sons.” “Babies are abandoned because the medical needs were too great.” Simple, one line sentences, to explain a personal life event that is often very complex.

When it comes to human life, and heartbreaking decisions…..abandonment and loss.....I have learned that there are rarely simple explanations. Every single one of our children faced a great loss in their lives, but the reality is…..we have no idea about the deep, personal stories of the people involved. We have no idea who made the decision that a child couldn’t stay in the family. We have no idea of the anguish, or sacrifice, or resignation experienced. It is easy to think it was a birthparent who lovingly placed the child by the orphanage front gate, but it could have just as easily been an in-law or an uncle who was given instructions by the head of the family to remove the baby from the home. Every child has their own unique story. It certainly hurts more, however, to think that any of our kids have birthparents like the woman I met on that very somber day.

There is still such a stigma surrounding children born with special needs, especially in the rural areas of China. For those of us parenting these amazing kids, the unknowns of their beginnings are very sad to think about, aren't they? Have you thought much about this issue? Do you normally think of a birthparent making the decision to leave a child? Or were you already aware that especially for children with special needs, many become orphaned to not bring shame to the family at large?

Amy

Sports and Special Needs

I've mentioned on this blog before that my son TJ was born missing the lower part of his right arm. He just turned five, and so my mind has been turning to the issue of organized sports. I have five sons, and so for most of my adult life, I have been sitting in bleachers cheering them on. TJ hasn't started a sport yet, but I feel he is now ready to be part of a team. However....now the question comes up of "which way do we go"?

When I say that, what I mean is....do I enroll him in a group specifically for kids with special needs, or do I try to get him started on the "regular" city league? I see pros and cons to both. Just today I was forwarded this amazing video of an eight year old boy with one leg who plays catcher for his baseball team. It is definitely an inspiring two minutes that you can watch by clicking here:

I watched Adam play and thought, "truly an example that a person can do anything they desire if they work hard enough at it." But then I have to admit I wondered if his parents were heavily involved in the sporting part of his life. I am not athletic in any way, shape, or form. I'm the reason people use that horrible line of "you throw like a girl." My kids have always been at a bit of a disadvantage as far as having a mom out there coaching them or giving them pointers. That's the main reason why I am leaning towards the Endeavor Games, especially since our local college is one of the national training centers. These leagues are specifically set up for kids with special needs, and I am hoping I can find a coach who would help TJ come to love sports and who would help him build his self-confidence.

However, this idea has met some resistance from some of my friends, as they feel I shouldn't limit TJ by putting him into a "special" program. They feel he should play in the regular city league so that he could see that he could accomplish anything he puts his mind to.

So my question for the day is.....do you have a child with special needs who is involved with sports? How do you approach the issue of inclusion? I would love to know what has worked or not worked for your family.

Amy

Fewer Children for Adoption?

Yesterday I read an online article from CNN that carried the headline: Fewer children up for adoption in China. You can read the article at this link.

While generally an accurate story that fewer Americans are finalizing adoptions each year from China, I couldn't help but finish the article with a feeling of frustration. The reality is that there are thousands of children who need homes from China who have a special need, and those of us who follow adoption agency lists know that every month far too many children's files go back to China "unchosen". I read posts online all the time from parents who have seen a child's file or picture with an agency and who then plead for someone to please consider adopting that child before they lose their chance. That part of the story isn't often communicated publicly to the world.

I think one of the reasons that more and more children on waiting children lists do not find families is because of the growing feeling that China is no longer a good option for international adoption. While it is true that adoption through the non special needs path has slowed to 5 years, the special needs path to adoption is still a wonderful way to form a family, often in under a year. I am writing this, of course, as a mom who knows that calling the non special needs path the "healthy" path to adoption isn't always accurate. My son TJ, adopted through the waiting child path due to a limb difference, is as healthy as a horse and hasn't been sick in years.

I think the thing that bothers me the most with articles such as the one above is that they portray special needs adoption as a second choice. I wish more national newspapers and media outlets would promote special needs adoption for exactly what it is....a wonderful choice which blesses both the child and the parents. There are so many great children on waiting child lists who are waiting to be chosen TODAY. Perhaps if that positive message was communicated better through the media, we wouldn't have to hear yet again, "the child's file was sent back without finding a family. "

What are your thoughts?

Amy

Were You Prepared for Adoption?

I picked up the phone one night at 2 a.m. and found myself talking to a father in China who said they couldn't go through with their adoption of a child with cleft.

"When she eats, stuff comes out of her nose," he told me.

"That's perfectly normal in a child with cleft", I tried to reassure, thinking quietly to myself that surely they should have known this before they traveled.

"It's really freaking us out," he said. "We don't think this is the right child for our family." After listening for a few more moments, I knew the decision had already been made in their hearts. They would not be bringing her home despite anything I could tell them.

I hung up from that call troubled, as disruption always makes me sad, but I was also realistic in knowing that if the family felt disgust towards their new daughter, then that certainly wasn't a good situation for the child. But I did have to ask myself how someone could go a whole year of paperchasing and waiting to adopt through the waiting child path and NOT take the time to educate themselves on their new child's special need.

And so that is the question for today's blog. Were you prepared to adopt internationally? What books did you read to get ready? If you adopted a child with special needs, did you do research in advance? Was there anything that you absolutely weren't ready for? Did you have any moments during your adoption trip when you thought, 'I don't think I can do this?" Let's share any and all advice for people considering international adoption, especially through the special needs path.

I am a firm believer that education is essential. What have YOU learned from the journey?

And don't forget to keep following our cleft exchange in Shanghai. Visit our story blog for more details and links to absolutely great photos.

Amy

Disabilities or Abilities

A friend of mine passed on this video of one of the most inspiring young women. HeeAh Lee was born with only two fingers on each hand and legs that had to be amputated at her knees. She was so sick and weak when she was young, the doctors didn’t think that she would survive. Her spirit proved them wrong.

Her hands were so weak that her mother started her taking piano lessons, hoping that it would help. HeeAh Lee surprised everyone. Not only did her fingers get stronger, but she was amazingly gifted. She learned to play piano better than most pianists that play with 10 fingers. Audiences around the world now hear her play.

http://videos.komando.com/2009/01/17/the-four-fingered-pianist/

When I played this video the other day, Tyler, my 18 year old son, happened to be nearby. A piano player himself, he asked who was playing the piano on the computer. When I told him that it was a young woman with 4 fingers, he didn’t believe me. He actually had to come and watch for himself. As he watched, he told me how hard that piece was.

After watching this, I thought about another of my children who has a severe hand disability. It really made me think about the expectations that I have set for him and made me rethink the best way to parent him. This video made me think about special needs and how I view them.

When you look at a person with a disability, do you think about those things that they can’t do instead of being open minded about their abilities? Do we set lower expectations raising a child with a disability? How do we best parent a child with a disability, giving them all the support they need but not setting limits?

Karen

Special Needs and Teasing

When I first adopted my son TJ, I looked at his special need as a fairly insignificant one. He was born without his right forearm, but after being his mom for five minutes I already could see that he would be able to do anything in life that he wanted with one hand. Our whole family quickly forgot at home that he even had a special need. However, out in public is a completely different story. Every time we venture out, TJ’s missing arm seems to draw a lot of attention. Children pull their parents over to see his missing arm, unkind children make rude comments, and even adults have said things that leave my mouth on the floor. I honestly had no idea that my son would have to almost daily defend himself because of missing a hand.

I think almost all of us have been in a situation with our children when they loudly announced that someone in their line of sight looked different, but I have found there is a definite difference between kids who are just curious (which never bothers me) and kids who are hurtful. I have also found there is a big difference in the way parents handle these situations. I have been surprised that most times parents just choose to ignore an offensive remark as if it was never said (out of embarrassment perhaps?), but in my mind that teaches the child nothing. Others have been so rude as to agree with their child that my son has a “funny arm”, and I am sure you know my feeling on that! I always struggle with whether it is my job to educate someone else’s kid, but I have to admit to reaching a point where I often do for my own child’s sake. Now if someone says “what a freaky arm”, I count to three to give the parent of the child a chance to intervene, but if they don’t….then I step in. Normally I will just say, “that was very unkind”, and then explain that TJ can do everything with one hand. It honestly is the more rare occasion that a parent will say “I am so sorry” and then turn to their child and explain that someone missing a hand is perfectly okay.

How do you think these situations should be handled? As a parent, do you take a proactive approach with your kids to let them know that children born with special needs are just kids? How have you handled it if your own child has said something unkind? If you are the parent of a child who is teased or singled out frequently, how do you manage rude comments in public? I would love to know your thoughts.

Amy Eldridge

Love Without Boundaries Foundation