Choices
Today I stumbled across a blog called "Land of the Not-So-Calm", written by an adult adoptee who came to the US from Korea at six months of age. In the post, An Inconvenient Truth, the writer discusses feeling second best as an adoptee, knowing that her adoptive parents tried infertility treatments first. She also raises the question on whether her birth parents considered her "second best" as well. I thought it was a very thought provoking article, and have posted it here. The beginning of the article says this:
"Adoption was my parents’ second choice. I don’t know exactly how far down the infertility treatment path they went, and I’m not sure that I really want to know just how distant their second choice was from their first. How many years of trying. How many dollars in futile doctor’s visits and medications and hormones and injections. I mean, it’s bad enough being second choice — I’m not sure I want to know just how second.
The way I look at it is facts are facts: adoption was my parents’ second choice. I consider it a kind of inconvenient truth, and to me, sugar-coating this truth is like sticking your head in the sand and trying to rewrite history. Trying to say that it somehow really wasn’t second choice, that all those wasted years TTC and those thousands of dollars on infertility treatments were a mistake, sounds suspiciously like revisionist history. Shouting loudly how much you love your kids and how YOU don’t think they’re second-best is great — and when you think about it, is exactly what adoptive parents should be thinking, if not doing — but that still doesn’t change facts." --Sang-Shil
After reading Karen's blog last week about having relatives make comments that adopted children somehow are "different" than biological children, this article makes me wonder how many people who have been adopted have indeed felt like they were somehow a second choice. I know many adoptive parents could argue that adoption WAS their original decision on how to form a family, but this thought provoking article has me pondering choices this morning....the choices of birthparents, adoptive parents, and the children. Does society as a whole still consider adoption a "second choice?" What are your thoughts?
Amy Eldridge
Hmmm... very interesting. For us adoption was a first choice as we do not have fertility issues. However, I can see how this would be an issue for some adoptees. I guess it's just one more thing that adoptive parents and children have to work through!
ReplyDeleteI am a woman who always wanted to have bio and adopted children. God did not make bio as simple adoption is not a second choice , it is one of the ways to have a family. it is equal in my eyes.
ReplyDeleteIn fact I would adopt a long time ago if it wasn't for the tiring rules and restrictions of certain countries that prevents some parents to bring their children home. We should always remember that basically most poeple around us are good and try to do the right thing, you are not second choice you were intended to be with your family long before they knew it or you.
The only way you are second choice is if you feed that idea. I can feeed teh idea taht my mom only had me cus my dad wanted another child, which i true, what a waste of time...
she is my mom, she did something for my dad , she gave her body for 9 months and she loves me , it is up to me to make life work for me as an adult not hers.SO I hoe your parents do not tell you all day of how you are not who they wanted, I hope it is just you telling you that and this sadness is up to you to let go. even if they do tell you things which are painful, You are on your own, an adult you can parent your inner child and say, I am lucky, I am here and I have my life to live.
What do you think?
Thank you for this great commentary and bringing the original article to our attention. I believe it is important for parents who have adopted to keep this in mind. Instead of a 'revisionist' history, this is a time to be honest with your child about your hopes and fears, how your humanity shaped your choices, AND what you have learned and experienced since.
ReplyDeleteI read that blog also and have thought about it a lot since the first reading.
ReplyDeleteFor our family, adoption was never second choice. Rather, it was an ADDITIONAL choice.
It's always been our plan to further build our family through adoption. The issue for us was waiting for the timing of the Lord to set us on the path. We feel now, that our goal and our job is to pour that passion into our kids and to speak of it in such a way that Li'l Empress (and any who follow her in years to come) always knows that we were waiting only for God's appointed time to come to this place in our journey. That she was always a plan for us and a dream in our hearts. To speak otherwise about it would be untrue to our experience.
However, I am recently becoming cognizant of the "other side of the coin." That being the exuberant over-telling of the story in such a way that makes that telling seem apologetic or justifying of our choices. That too would be untrue to our experience. And I'm learning that it could also be a classic "backfire" for her. Or for us.
A fine line we walk. And will continue to walk as we continue to learn along the way.
I agree with Miki, just because adoption came later or after infertility, doesn't mean it is second in an inferior way.
ReplyDeleteI've just blogged about this...
Thanks for the inspiration! ;)
I think the key word in the adoptee's blog is "feel". As long as she feels this way, it needs to be addressed, regardless of the point of view of the adoptive and biological parents.
ReplyDeleteIt is interesting that she separates this feeling from the knowledge that her adoptive parents' love is something unquestionably real and true.
I'm not sure that anyone can fully understand the opposite perspective of this child/parent view unless they have been in both roles. Yet, as an adoptive parent, I feel like I must try.
For us, the first choice was to have children in our lives - how that happened was only the road to the destination. When pure chance did not produce biological children, we chose adoption over fertility treatments. Does that mean that children joining the family by biology or fertility treatments would be a second choice? Not for us. Whatever road leads to the desired outcome has its own significance, yet it is the outcome that is the true goal, not the road. Adoption has certainly changed the path of our lives, but it is a chosen path.
Like the vast majority of parents, we wish we could take all the hurt away from our children, but at some point the child also has to acknowledge the reality of their beginnings and somehow integrate it in a healthy manner. I can only hope that I am up to that supporting role when my daughters need to find peace within themselves.
That is a very interesting point. I have never considered my adoptive children any different than my bio. I suppose it was infertility that led me to them...but I would never want to classify it as a "second choice"....but perhaps a BETTER choice...an AMAZING choice...a BLESSING! I'm sorry she feels "second" in the heart of her parents. I'm sure many adoptive children carry a space that may never be filled....something I most likely will never be able to understand because I'm not walking in their shoes. I pray that some day she will be able to look beyond feeling like a second choice and instead feel blessed that she was a choice at all. I feel sadness for her.
ReplyDeleteBlessings,
Robin
I just posted a comment on her blog. This is an issue for me and I was glad to be able to read about it. For some reason I canot cut and paste to this comment box.
ReplyDeleteI posted this to the Blogger's site:
ReplyDeleteSang Shil and other adoptees,
Unlike some a-parents, I didn't exhaust options in fertility treatments to become pregnant. We tried "the old fashioned way" for many years, it didn't work; we tried again, still nothing, and eventually we moved on. We wanted to be parents - shared biology was not necessary. Why not adoption first? It wasn't part of our family nomenclature; it was foreign to us until we became educated because of our desire to parent a child or children.
But, if I hadn't tried to have children biologically, I wouldn't have the wonderful children I have today. In other words, if adoption had been my first choice, my children would not have been born yet and I would have adopted different kids, and without a doubt in the world I know my kids were meant to be my kids, and I was meant to be their mom.
If your a-parents went the adoption route first, they wouldn't have you and you wouldn't have them. How sad would that be? There is a reason for each moment, each season in our lives. We need to go through them to get to the next.
Peace,
Teresa
I posted this to the blogger's site:
ReplyDeleteSang Shil and other adoptees,
Unlike some a-parents, I didn't exhaust options in fertility treatments to become pregnant. We tried "the old fashioned way" for many years, it didn't work; we tried again, still nothing, and eventually we moved on. We wanted to be parents - shared biology was not necessary. Why not adoption first? It wasn't part of our family nomenclature; it was foreign to us until we became educated because of our desire to parent a child or children.
But, if I hadn't tried to have children biologically, I wouldn't have the wonderful children I have today. In other words, if adoption had been my first choice, my children would not have been born yet and I would have adopted different kids, and without a doubt in the world I know my kids were meant to be my kids, and I was meant to be their mom.
If your a-parents went the adoption route first, they wouldn't have you and you wouldn't have them. How sad would that be? There is a reason for each moment, each season in our lives. We need to go through them to get to the next.
Peace,
Teresa
Since I was a teenager I have known that in a perfect world, I would like to have a boy and a girl, and if I couldn't have them biologically, I would be very happy to adopt. In addition, if I ever found myself wanting more than two children (and was able to have those two children biologically) I wanted to bring additional children into my family through international adoption. It was never a second choice to me, but an incredible blessing that I could experience the joy of building my family both ways.
ReplyDeleteI do believe society still sees adoption as a second choice, however, because of several "Well why on earth would you want to do THAT? Have another kid!" reactions that I received from friends and relatives when we announced our first adoption. I don't believe any of those people would still wonder...having met and loved all of my kids...but that was their initial reaction. Hopefully with all our kids out there, they are having an influence on people and changing minds and hearts.
I hope my kids never see themselves as a second choice. I've told them that after having two bio children, I could feel THEM missing from my heart, and then followed my heart to help me find them. That generally gets me a shy, pleased smile from my son, and an all-out choke-hold of a hug and at least 10 kisses from my daughter. I think they understand.
I think it is our choice to feel one way or another about our life's circumstances. There are people who get a horrible health diagnosis and yet choose to live each day to the fullest. There are other people who get the same diagnosis and decide to be miserable about it. We did have infertility and we did some fertility treatments, but there is no way that I consider my kids second choice. We--as their parents--were on a personal journey that eventually led us to adoption. Their birth parents were on a journey. At some point, God chose our paths to cross, and lives changed.
ReplyDeleteI guess I have learned in life that it is pointless to obsess about things we cannot change. Life is too short!! Enjoy it! Don't waste time fretting about your less-than-perfect circumstances. Chose to live with joy!
This is a wonderful blog that continues on with this thread: http://ow.ly/eBAj
ReplyDeleteAmy