What Shall I Leave My Children?

The open sky, the brown earth, the leafy tree,

The golden sand, the blue water, the stars in courses
and the awareness of this.

Birdsong, butterflies, clouds and rainbows,
Sunlight, moonlight, firelight.

A hand reaching down for a small hand,
Impromptu praise, an unexpected kiss, a straight answer.

The glow of enthusiasm, and a sense of wonder,
Long days to be merry in and nights without fear.

The memory of a good home.

Anonymous

November - National Adoption Month

In celebration of National Adoption month, we would love to hear your stories about what adoption has meant to you and your family. Even if you are someone who has just considered it or knows someone who has adopted, we would love to know your thoughts.

How have you been touched by adoption and how has it changed your life? What were your preconceived ideas about adoption and have they changed? What surprised you the most about adoption?

Photo of the Week - I Just Can't Wait

Two months ago we learned that one of the children, Chelsea, was going to be adopted from our Fuyang Foster Care Program. Wonderful news but we were sad for Finn who has been her best friend since they both entered the program in February of 2007. They share the same foster parents, went for their cleft lip repair surgeries together and recently had their palate surgeries together. They eat together, fight with each other and love each other. A week we learned that Finn was to be adopted, not just adopted but was leaving on Sept 10th. We are so happy for both Finn and Chelsea, who now have their own forever families!

Family

The following blog was posted two years ago, and a conversation this weekend reminded me of it.

My son TJ was adopted when he was 2. He had lived in the orphanage his entire life, and so he had never known what it was like to have a mom or dad to love him until the day he was placed in my arms a little more than a year ago. I wondered how long it would take for him to learn his place in our home and how long it would take for him to understand that we were now a FAMILY and that he was our little boy.

TJ loves animals, and he loves collecting miniature plastic ones from the zoo or from toy stores. One day when we were out shopping together, he kept trying to place two zebras into the shopping cart, and I kept insisting that we would only buy one. TJ became so upset when I put the other one back, and cried all the way out of the store, trying desperately to tell me why he needed both, but since he only had a few words in his vocabulary at that time, it wasn’t working. I kept assuring him that he only needed one, and he kept stretching out his arms and pointing to the back of the store hoping for the other.

Every time we would go into another store with animals, he always would try to buy two. Mom (being thrifty) would always say “we only need one panda”, or “TJ, you should be happy with one cow”.

It wasn’t until his language began to take off that I FINALLY understood the depth of TJ’s desire to always have two animals. One day he was carefully searching through his bucket of animals until he found two lions. He put one up on the table first and said “baby” and then with great care he put up the second, right next to the first, and earnestly said, “MOM”. He dug some more into his bucket and managed to find two elephants and once more he placed the first one on the table and said “baby” and then gently sat the larger one down near the first while saying to himself with great relief, “MOM”.

TJ had learned so quickly that babies need moms. And that was the source of his distress when I would only allow him to buy one animal. He had been trying to tell me even at age two that his baby zebra needed a mommy. How could I not have seen that? Now we always buy our animals in families. Because TJ is so concerned that everyone needs a parent to take care of them.


This weekend a question was raised at a meeting I attended on whether children who once lived in institutions have a deeper sense about what it means to have a family. What do you think? Can that awareness have both positive and negative implications? For instance, do your children have a heightened fear that something could happen to you someday? There is such a fine line for many children in understanding what it means to be part of a family while at the same time not ever being made to feel like they should somehow be grateful for being adopted.


Amy

What are Your Rules?

Last weekend my family attended a birthday party. It was all the usual fun…kids competing to see how many pieces of pizza they could ingest, begging for cake, playing with toys from goody bags until one of the adult guests I had been chit-chatting with asked me if my family was comfortable talking about adoption. Immediately, three pairs of Chinese eyes swiveled to me and “the rules” went into effect.

Rule 1: Be pleasant. “Yes, we are comfortable talking about adoption—why wouldn’t we be?”

Rule 2: Answer to my children’s ears. “No they are not all from the same place, but yes they are all from China, no they are not biologically related but became siblings the day they took our last name for their own.”

Rule 3: When questions become too intrusive, change the venue. “Gosh, it’s getting late. We’ve got to be going. Let’s chat again sometime, it was great meeting you.”

In the course of our nine years as an adoptive family these rules for public conversation have developed. Thankfully, friends in our adoption community have given us strength, grace and humor to handle these situations with very few bumps. We’ve learned that “outsiders” are usually curious in the good ways and only occasionally strange or rude in ways that we chalk up to them not having learned their manners!

This incident reminds me of a wonderful Children’s book (for children ten years and older) titled: Rules (2006, Scholastic Press). The main character in the story, twelve year old Katherine, longs for a friend close enough to send Morse code messages to at night….but her quest for a friend is shaped by her relationship with younger brother, David, who has autism. Katherine lives with public situations and questions that have forged her need to keep a sense of order for herself and brother. Some of her rules are just funny: “pantless brothers are not my problem!” Some rules are heartbreaking: “Sometimes people joke with you to be fun….sometimes they joke with you to be cruel.” In the unfolding of Rules, Katherine does make friends…unexpected friends that force her to evaluate being rigid or flexible when deriving rules. By the end of the story, readers are happily cheering for Katherine’s growth as a sister, friend and young adult. Rules, while not directly about being and adopted child from China, addresses how young people grow into a comfortable acceptance of self and others.

Rules is a 2007 Newberry Honor book and winner of many other literary awards. Lots has been written about this heartwarming story and it’s a staple in most libraries. Cynthia Lord’s website has wonderful discussion questions and activities related to Rules, new books and the writing life. www.cynthialord.com

How about you? What rules has your family developed in your history together?

Linda Mitchell

Associate Education Director